Sometimes Taylor Swift songs make me cry.

I don't think I will be able to handle being old.

I'm too sentimental and nostalgic.

Give people a chance! (Quotable Friday's Post)

"If there is anything that a man (or woman, or person) can do well, I say let him (or her) do it. Give him (or her) a chance."

-Abraham Lincoln

This quote relates to my personal experiences today. In one of my weekly discussions, we were scheduled to have a substitute T.A. from another section to teach our section. Most people (including me) seemed to dread this because we classified the other T.A. as intimidating (and besides, I like my regular T.A.). So I went to class today, not looking forward to it as I usually do. Surprisingly though, it was really helpful. She was not "scary" as her reputation stood, and it was a productive experience. I was again reminded not only about the dangers of judging others, but more specifically, of prejudging or presuming that something will be negative. If you must "prejudge," presume that it will be good! Optimism! Yeah! I guess I need this reminder sometimes. I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing this at anyone; the purpose of this post was to just share an enlightening moment I had today.

Reflect on the quote. 

I'm going to go get ready for 7th grade tutoring. Have a nice afternoon.

Endless

I distinctly remember that time, because of the unique feeling I had. It was a weird blend of guilt, happiness, concern, sadness, and closeness that I have yet to encounter again. I remember walking through the door with a flushed face, sweeping the hair away from my eyes, and trying to keep my voice steady. My mind was a mess, yet I was rational. I wouldn't say it was a sign of maturity, but a sign of my inner strength. As I said, I can't exactly say I was purely happy, but that didn't stop me from smiling until the next day when I recovered a sense of normalcy. It was ordinary but my emotions were far from that.

"Endless"  

www.oneword.com

Thing I Like, Part Two

1. My blog (usually)

2. Plain yogurt

3. My cat, Kit-Kat! 

4. Quotes (there'll be one tomorrow!)

5. Receiving letters/cards

6. My roommates
7. Harry Potter series (is absolutely amazing)

Have a good Friday!

Things I Like, Part One

1. Chamomile tea 
2. Lunar eclipses and meteor showers
3. Harry Potter references
4. Black tights
5. Kashi cereal
6. Other people's music
7. Purple eye shadow or eyeliner
8. My new plant I'm growing in the pot Alexa gave me for Christmas (See picture!)

What do you like? :)

Confession

Taylor Swift's song "Never Grow Up" makes me unbelievably sad every time I listen to it. Seriously, go listen and tell me if you can stop yourself from crying, or at least tearing up. It got me thinking about a lot of things (i.e. my LIFE) and I was nostalgic and sad. But it's okay! It's a nice song and I had a good day following that.

I have thank you cards to write, people to visit, CD mixes to create, and textbooks to order. My vacation time seems nearly over. (Sigh). That's alright. I've had a wonderful Christmas.

Good Deeds and Christmas Spirit

I did a good deed recently. You should too. 

Our Christmas tree is decorated, the exterior looks very festive, and I spent a few hours today making Christmas candles. They smell like pine trees. I still have dozens of cards to make and gift-wrapping to do, but I will complete it all in time!

Christmas Spirit

Hopefully, if I still am keeping up with this blog come next December, I will post lists of holiday gift ideas. I feel like I have a lot of ideas and I realize how hard selecting the perfect gifts is. I'm the kind of person who believes in gifting gifts and not gift cards. Though I do appreciate receiving anyone's generosity, no matter its form.

While I was nailing Christmas lights to the roof of my house, I thought about how different thing would be if my family didn't celebrate Christmas or Christmas didn't exist it all. Or if Christmas was celebrated on the same scale as a "smaller" holiday, like Easter. It's such a huge production full of obligations, but everyone involved (including me) claims to love it so much. Then I realized that it symbolizes a lot more than religious beliefs and that it gives everyone who participates a unifying goal and a common theme...for at least one month of the year. Which, to be fair, is a pretty good chunk of time for a single-day holiday. 

I love Christmas and the traditions that accompany it. 

(And I'm serious about the good deed advice.)

Updating my blog...

Update: I got the classes I wanted for next quarter. The statistics class, the art history class, and the freshman "cluster" in which I'm currently enrolled (it's a year long class). I'm going home in four days and turning eighteen in four days as well. I already feel eighteen, in a way. I've always felt older than my age, particularly in school and my friendships. I suppose maturity is just a natural thing; I don't think outright seeking it will work. I've always been told I'm mature but I believe it more as time goes on. 

I attended a really good play tonight. It was a musical titled "I Love You Because." I have to confess it was my only outing today; I spent most of my Saturday sleeping. I'm glad there are events like plays and fun things I can attend. the play was super funny, kind of raunchy, and just very well rehearsed and performed. Good job, UCLA students.

Currently I've been obsessed with an outdated Kate Nash song (it's not any of her more current work) titled "Birds." It's really metaphorical. It gets stuck in my head easily. It's a very pretty song about a young couple (who I like to think are in a long distance relationship) who have a visit together though they don't have a lot of money. The boy tries to explain his feelings to his girlfriend and it's cute and funny. I hope that this has made you curious at least. Go look it up and listen!

While I'm on the subject of recommendations, I have to say that the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was totally worth the loss of sleep I incurred for it. I actually had a very long discussion about the movie with another volunteer in the Amigos program in which we totally dissected the themes and imagery and acting. I instantly have a connection to other Harry Potter fans. 

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good..."

Nostalgia

Over the weekend, I spent some time looking at nearly all the photos I'd ever been tagged in on my Facebook account. Some might say that's a really lame thing to do, but it made me remember a lot of good times in high school and at camp and with my friends. I realized I'm perhaps more photogenic that I thought, but more importantly, I realized that I do miss things about my life just a few months ago. High school is over and that is fine, although there are many great teachers there who inspired me and who I will visit. But Artemis is different. I feel that the Artemis program (Artemis Leadership Training Adventure, in case you're confused) is a permanent part of my heart. I miss the girls there. I know I'll return to help as much as I can, I'm just going to miss those monthly gatherings where so much happened to me. I'm even sad about it. I guess I have to move on; it's just hard of let go of that. Five years is a long commitment. 

And if anyone from Artemis is reading this, I hope you had a great ALTA weekend and made lots of memories for yourself. Those are undoubtedly great times. I'm sad but I'm happy too.

Life Rules, Part 1

These are a few life mottos I've found very applicable and useful in life. Think about them. I didn't totally invent these concepts (they're based on common sense in general); I just like them.

1. If its not 100% yes, it's no. You'd be surprised how often this applies to various situations. I guess it goes along with being whole-hearted. It's hard to fake something that's really important. Stick to your instinct. 
2. Don't snoop through others' private information, communications, or things. I.e. email accounts, text messages, journals, drawers, et cetera. You almost always find something that will hurt you or make you confused. And then you've got only yourself to blame, NOT the person to whom it belongs. It wasn't his or her fault you looked. In cases of suspicion, I suppose the best thing to do is discreetly confront the other person, if it's that important. Usually it's not.
3. Don't be (too big of) a hypocrite. I'm a hypocrite. I said not to give advice.

Week Three

I can't believe I haven't posted at all this week. Part of me was afraid to reveal the truth, or to somehow jinx my good fortune. I had a very good weekend; this upcoming one will be dull in comparison (probably). I really appreciate everything my boyfriend does for me. I was joking with one of my friends (you know who you are), and told her to discover the flaws in the boy she liked, and then her crush would be resolved. I'm pretty confident I know all of Sean's flaws, and I like him despite of and even because of them. You've probably heard that advice before. "Loving unconditionally." But I really mean it- it's essential.

But never mind that. I don't like to give advice; it makes you vulnerable. I have started this tutoring program where we go to schools of lower-income populations and help kids with math and science, primarily. My tutee's name is George and he's in sixth grade. I'm actually going to leave to get on the van very soon. I like it. I really want to help him. I've been wondering if I'm involved enough in college and extracurricular activities, but now quizzes have started being issued and midterms approach and my mind stops questioning so much.

Stay tuned for the Quotable of the week. I have something in mind, but I want it to be in separate post. 

Also, because of circumstances I can't detail explicitly here, I'm going to start posting a lot more photographs. (Better quality ones, too, at least digitally.) So...I hope you have a good weekend. I hope you read PostSecret and do something you like, such as solving Sudoku puzzles or eating yogurt with cereal or drawing faces on a pumpkin with a Sharpie. Those are things I enjoy.

Im(perfect)ion

Listen, listen.

Do you ever think about it?

You're not gaining anything by trying to be the best.

Striving for the impossible.

Setting vague goals with little value attached.

And now...

Do you realize the weight you've put on yourself by being the best little girl in the world?

Good morning! (From LA)

Well, I'm here. I moved in yesterday and I'm somewhat settled in. Today is the first morning I've waken up here in my dorm room. Most people would focus on the first night, but I choose morning because it's the beginning of a clean slate and new emotions for the day. I have to get used to the hectic movement of the dining hall situation and everywhere in public places. This is a fast-moving, lively place. I have two roommates: Alexa and Jennifer. We're sharing a small room but I am trying to make it feel like a new home for me. I'm really happy with how my portions of the room look now. 

People seemed friendlier at orientation. Maybe that was just due to the stress of yesterday. Now, everyone is moved in so hopefully I'll get to know more people. High up on the eighth floor, people look so small from my window. We just have to get on the same level now (no pun intended). It's weird because there are so many people, it's impossible to get to know everyone. There would never be enough time, so I find myself wondering what the point of an introduction is when you're only going to be sitting by someone for awhile or stand in line with them for ten minutes. I'm beginning to realize those temporary, fleeting moments of companionship from strangers are comforting and essential to feeling like you belong. 

Thank you, everyone, for wishing me luck and telling me that you'll miss me. It means a lot.

Stereotype of the First Year

I'll admit it. I fit the stereotype of the college freshman with jumbled emotions going into her first year. I'm excited, a little nostalgic, hopeful, and scared. Yes, scared. I am slightly worried about things such as...finals. My first college paper. The adjustment in general. My citation skills. 

Haha.

In all seriousness, there was this one encounter on campus that put the worry back in my mind after the initial excitement hit me. While at orientation one day, some of the other first-years and I were hanging out in the lounge outside the computer lab. We were acting like such freshmen, which is okay, because we are. We were talking excitedly about classes and the interesting ones we wanted to take and how clever we were for getting our schedules lined up. There was an upperclassmen sitting there listening to us who interjected, "You guys are freshmen, right?" It wasn't condescending the way he said it, but we could tell something had led him to that conclusion (besides our painfully distinguishing drawstring backpacks). "How did you know?" we asked. "Because," he replied, "you all are happy about your classes. I just got back from class and I want to shoot myself." While I didn't take this as a genuine suicide threat or anything, he said it pretty seriously. I just don't want to dread the academics (or any aspect of college) for that matter as much as he seemed to. That's why we are there.

I know I haven't started classes yet or even moved in, but I still am heavily anticipating this first quarter and this first year. Heck, I'm anticipating the first day. I've started to have dreams about move-in day, those telltale dreams which signify my inner hopes and fears, the dreams at night that signal to me what is on my subconscious mind the most right now. I hope I wake up from it all knowing I am in the same position as all of my peers, with the competency to deal with the new kind of challenges I will have. It's all I have. And I will enjoy this and never forget.

If you are

When your mood changes so much, you learn the right thing to do. The action that yields the best results. I have experience to back me up, but don't just rely on my advice. :)

If you're happy, believe in it! Speak with conviction and have faith in yourself.

If you're angry, doubt yourself. Be cautious and wary about this passing emotion.

If you're truly sad, cry.

 

If you're overwhelmed, write.

Choose

I can write about whatever I want. I have decided that if it's not worth it, I don't need to remember it. I can become whoever I want to be. I may not be able to do whatever I want right now, but I can think about whatever I choose. You need to be happy regardless of all the others, which is so hard. I'm almost there. I feel permanent, despite all the uncertainty in my life. And good for you, if you choose to be who you want.

I'm back.

Camp was...a wonderful experience.

August is turning out to be a busy month.

I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to be a part of the Artemis program. Not only was I a part of it, I helped begin it. It's a great source of pride in my life. I just feel it is an accomplishment that is beyond anything else I've ever done. Especially as a teenager, this was a rare chance. I did it. For five years, it was a increasingly significant part of my life. Without ALTA and Camp Artemis I know I would be a very different person. Naturally, I was sad about this all ending. I knew all my friendships would continue and I would always remain loyal to the program and return, but I cried because it was another marker signifying the end of something for me. It was intensely personal, but overall I'm just very happy. I didn't really cry at graduation or the end of senior year, but I did at our tri-phase campfire and at the staff campfire on the very last night. I'm so grateful. This was special. I'm forever in love with camp.

Truth About Fear

I'll admit, I'm slightly afraid to tell people how I feel. I don't like putting stuff out there for people to judge me or even know me. With people I really trust, it's easier, of course. But, you might say, what about your blog? What about those life-changing friends and experiences you talk about?

It's true that I have opened up a lot. Still, once an introvert, always an introvert. I express myself totally in private writing, but continue to post blogs with symbols and quotes. I draw little cryptic sketches. I'm happy that I have people in who I can really confide. Although sometimes I truly love company, I enjoy walking by myself. I used to like photographing people but now I prefer trees and tire swings and interesting landscapes. For reasons I can't blog about, I also take pictures of Chevrolet Tahoes.

So I'm happy. And I have one piece of advice. If you want to reread a book you liked, read it again. Who's stopping you?

The Beginning of An End

Originally, I had planned to post a blog entry after my senior prom this Saturday and title it "The Beginning of An End." Although I still plan to blog about prom (but of course!), after my senior retreat these past two days, I felt this post more appropriately deserved this title.  

The only real mistake is the one from which I learn nothing.

There are times in our lives when our actions are not consistent with our ideals. All of us have times when we don't live as we believe.

Friendship is a gift, a freedom, a mystery, and a risk.

Sacrifice is the language of love.

It's easy to live with a God I've been taught to believe in, but it's easier to love a God I've found for myself.

Sometimes you feel at a loss because you see what is missing in your life, instead of recognizing the good things that you have.

Don't just be alive; start living.

A leader is one whose evaluation of the present is a fixture of the past, whose truth is reality, whose reality  is understanding, whose understanding is life, and whose life challenges the complacency of living.

How do I live love?

I was wrong.

I seem to make more mistakes as I grow up. That doesn't seem right, but I rationalize: What if I'm making more mistakes because I'm taking greater risks? If so, in essence, I am learning more.

I was wrong about a girl I thought hardly existed. I had one of those epiphanies when you realize you don't know everything. Quick to judge, quick to be wrong. It was a moment when I sudden;y felt bad for all the things I had said before, and the frustration I had felt didn't matter.

I was wrong, but who to apologize to? I cannot apologize to her; she doesn't know I talked about her badly (I'm not that mean). I can't apologize people who listened to my gossip- they just listened to my ranting. I'm sorry to...myself?

If my conscience were a scale, it'd be one of those super-advanced, high-tech pieces of equipment that can measure weight down to the tenth of a gram. Even slight misdeeds leave it hanging out of balance. Even tiny wrongs weigh in noticeably on the scale.

I wish I knew more. I wish I wasn't ignorant. I wish everyone wasn't ignorant.